Seven Steps to Better Parenting (from a un-perfect parent)

I wrote this on a 'good' day.

I have often referred back to it on a 'bad' day.

This is how I get through.

Seven Steps to Being a Better Parent

1. I start my day with God.

In prayer, in the Bible, in meditation.  I make a conscience effort to give my day to Him.  To honor Him with my thoughts, my actions, my words.

2. I listen.

To God, to myself, to my kids.  It just takes a moment to stop and give someone my full attention, but it often makes a huge  and powerful and significant difference in my relationship with them.

3. I practice patience.

I heard Joyce Meyers once say that you should never ask God for more patience.  The reason being,  He will then give you trials that will test your patience, as the only way to become better at it is to learn through it.

4. I set goals and accomplish them.

Usually keeping it simple.  Do a load of laundry.  Empty the dishwasher.  Go grocery shopping.  Hug my kids 10 times each.  A small sense of accomplishment goes a long way in my house.

5. I keep the promises I make to myself.

I make promises to myself all the time that I do not keep. "I am going to start exercising more."  "I am going to clean the bathroom today."  "I am only going to eat one more Oreo."

And then I do eat another Oreo.  And don't work out.  And neglect the bathroom for another day.  The weight of those un-kept promises is a heavy one.

I want to be able to trust myself.  To know that I have the strength... the strength in Christ who strengthens me... I want to be able to trust my own word.

6. I strive to please.  Instead of striving to be pleased.

This helps me to remember the servant heart that God wants me to have.  The most wonderful thing about this is that I am often more fulfilled when I do for others first.  

7. I have my priorities straight.

Mine are as follows: God, Family, Home, Community, Personal Achievements

When I have personal achievements first, like say, I make it a priority to get a blog post up before I play with the kids, then my mentality changes.  I focus on sitting at my computer typing and being able to hit that publish button.  Then if a sweet little boy comes up to me and tells me I need to come and see what he has built, I say, "In a second.  Mommy just wants to finish this..."

When my priorities are out of whack, the people I care most about suffer. 

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I have discovered that parenting is Intentional.  When I wake up in the morning and just dive right in... do not make intentional choices... that is when I am setting myself up for failure.

I have to mentally prepare myself for my triggers.

My triggers are:

• fighting
• talking back
• disobedience
• disrespect

It is pretty safe to assume that this is going to happen all day long one of these is going to occur throughout the day.  If I can be one step ahead... or intentional... in how I am going to respond, chances are I won't lose my patience and I won't react in a way that just doesn't help. (yelling, over reacting, etc.)

I screw up a lot.  It has been a really heavy burden lately.  I have been torn up inside.  I have such guilt... I almost feel like my mistakes are ruining my kids' childhood. 

That is not how God wants me to view it.

I love that my sins and failures and mistakes can be placed at Jesus' feet every single night.  And that every single day I wake up with new hope and encouragement and faith in Him that He will give me the tools I need right when I need them.

I love being a parent and want so desperately for that love to be reflected in the way I parent. 

When I practice these seven guidelines, I have found that I am more able to respond to conflict with love instead of frustration. 

I know I have much left to learn!

And I am so thankful that I have such wonderful, thoughtful, intelligent, and spiritual friends there helping me along the way.  

Thank you!

Comments

[Jessica @ How Sweet It Is]

Beautiful. :) Wonderful tips for later. ;)

[Bethany]

You are one thought provoking blogger. :) I love reading about how God is working in your life, changing your life, making it new and better each day.
A while ago, my mom wrote a letter to my siblings and I explaining her failures and asking forgiveness. The funny thing is, not one of us really knew what to do with it. Mom and Dad's failures helped us become the people we are. Without the rubbing of their influence we would not be shaped the way we are.
That has really inspired me. I want to continue to become a better mom. Hopefully I make strides toward doing that. But I too rest in the knowledge that in my weakness He is strong. My parenting mistakes are covered by His grace. My hope is that seeing my flaws will turn my children's hearts to the only perfect parent whose love is pure true and never ending.
Thanks for sharing this today. You are truly a blessing.

[Michelle]

Thanks you for sharing this, Amanda. It's a good reminder for all parents!

Last weekend, James and I attended Randy Carlson's Marriage and Parenting conferance and he talked a lot about being intentional. He talked about the difference between a powerful parent, a permissive parent, and an intentional parent. It was reassuring to know that in some ways we are intentional, but still have a long way to go in others.

I plan to write a blog post about what I learned last weekend. Stay tuned for it!

Many Blessings!

Michelle

[He & Me + 3]

Amanda,

I loved this post. What great steps. So true...when we put our personal achievements first our day can get pretty difficult. I have learned that all too many times and am still learning.
Happy Friday!
Hugs,
mimi

[Kristin]

His mercies are new every morning! Isn't it wonderful to know He offers a new start daily (hourly...)?

Thanks for sharing your heart.

[Kami]

I love this post! It's so important for us, as parents, to remember to parent as God desires us to. One thing I am always praying for is that God will give me His heart for my kids and His love for them - because no matter how crazy in love with them I am, I know that He loves them even further and deeper and that His love teaches me patience in the midst of the moments when I want to be anything but!

You are so very wonderful, my friend. Thank you for your heart, your transparency, your love and your friendship. You are amazing! :)

[Tina Fisher]

Oh Amanda! I think I want to print this out and put it on my white board!!! Seriuosly! I feel like I could have written this because it's the exact way I feel! Thank you so much! I really must print this!

And one more thing that makes me feel good....is to start the day (after some devotional time) is to get a load of laundry in and unload the dishwasher...it makes for such a better start..even if that's all I do at least it was something.

A messy nest will give you unrest....it's true for me....

Oh, I just have to say it again...thank you for this post!

Now I am off to color with my three year old!

YOU ROCK!!!!

Much Love,

Tina

[Kari]

Beautifully said and so true. I think I'll print out a copy of your post and refer back to it.

#7 is so hard for me. It is so easy to get sucked up in doing "my stuff"... playing with pictures, chatting on the phone, working on crafts.... I constantly have to remind myself that my kids are only little once and soon will come a day when they won't interrupt me to share some little treasure of theirs.

Thankfully we have a God who sees all and forgives all... I certainly fail at parenting all the time, yet trust that God in his mercy will protect my children and help us all to learn and grow closer to Him.

Thanks for the thought producing post!
Blessings,
Kari

[Stephanie]

Amanda,
Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds to me as if you are a GREAT mom and doing a GREAT job. Please don't fall into the trap that so many of us do(myself included). The trap of the little voice inside our head that says if we do something for ourselves, or take time for ourselves that we are doing so at the expense of our famiy and tell ourselves that we are selfish. We must remember that we are people too. Just because we are busy with something that involves only us, doesn't mean that we are putting ourselves before our family. We must be fulfilled as women to be better mothers and wives. I must remind myself of this all the time. There is an actress that wrote a book called the "Burnt Toast Syndrome" (can't remember who, jenny mccarthy maybe?). We burn some toast and give the good stuff to our family and leave the burnt toast for ourselves to eat. Life is like that we are always putting others before ourselves, always taking the burnt toast, then we suffer, then our kids and our marriage suffer. I need to get that book, cuz I am definitely a burnt toast person.
I think time for ourselves, or putting ourselves first once in awhile is actually good for our kids to see (every so often), becuase that is how the world works. They will not always be first, they will not always be most important. But if they learn some self-reliance & patience, how much better is that? Wow, do I sound like I neglect my kids or what? LOL.
What I really am trying to say is that we moms beat ourselves up too much for what we view to be mistakes as parents. I think my kids are well adjusted, your kids seem to be also.
YAY US! We are great moms!

[Kim S]

Amanda,
You may turn me into a commenter yet....;D I just have to say how much this post is so what is on my heart right now. Maybe all the intensity with refreshing and checking in on Stellan these past few weeks has really made me check out from my own precious ones and get lost into my own world. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces....Thank you for your encouragement. You might appreciate this post I had stumbled upon... http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/2009/06/distracted-christian-mothers.html
Thank you!
Kim (from church =)

[Amanda Rettke]

Thanks Kim... that link is pretty powerful!!  I appreicate you sending it my way... and thanks for leaving a comment... its good to hear from you... and get your feedback, and have you share your insights!

Blessings-

Amanda

[Kristin Smith]

Amanda
What a great post...sure makes me think..especially that part about being at the computer and wanting to finish something. I think I did that last night. I will have to make being intentional a part of my daily routine too.

Have a wonderful, love-filled, intentional,patience-inducing,weekend!
Kristin

[Kate]

Excellent post, Amanda. I love that you've taken the time to think about all those points and that you prioritize your day properly. Very inspiring. (Ohh...there you go, inspiring me in a NEW way!)

How do you start your day with God with little ones? Do you get up extra early or do you set them up with an activity so you can be with the Lord quietly? I seem to hit the ground running in the mornings and often talk to him on the fly thoughout the day. I always admire people who set a regular time aside for Him.

Love your #1 fan,
Kate

[Liz]

Great post! I especially like the one about praying for patience! Isn't that the truth!

[Ruth]

Ohhhh good one! I've actually been thinking on this a bit myself lately. Getting my priorities straight is what I have been working on a lot lately.

Thanks for the reminders!

[bp]

I agree, these are such good points to remember as Mom's. Very well said!

[gianna]

thanks for the reminder to put my sins at the feet of Jesus each night. by the end of the day, i just crash. there are times i don't even say good night to my husband because i am already asleep before i think about it.
i have also heard somewhere (i think i was a camp counselor) not to ask for patience. i understand the concept, BUT at the same time, today when my littlest girl was taking her cotton pickin' time washing her hands after going potty at 10:00 at night, it was all i could do to take a deep breath and just let it out slowly asking God to help me be patient while she washed her hands. (wow! that was a really long sentence!)

[Sarah]

Oh Amanda, yet again you have managed to write the very words that I carry in my heart. I posted about this very topic just today. It tells me that we are walking this road together. I thank God for bringing you into my life, and I have to applaud your honesty, your wisdom, and your eloquence.
Let's be intentional together!

[Diana @ Spain in Iowa]

What a great post and blessing!

[CFMama]

Oh, I so could have used this list yesterday...

[denise]

these are all huge. so profound yet simple. i've been browsing a lot of blogs recently and though i can relate with a little about a lot of people, i love that i can relate with a LOT about you and would like to get to know you better and apply so many of your life principles to myself...these are great ones to start with and i could use help with almost every one! i could write blog posts on each, too...maybe later after the wee ones are sleeping...for now i'll settle for "living" some of them...starting with talking with God and then i'm off to lead sabbath school...thanks for being such an inspiration to so many...

[carma]

No. 6 is a tricky one - I break those promises all the time :-(

You have really got it together. Keep on doing what you are doing!!

[Holly Neaton]

Amanda - Great post and wonderful reminders for us all! I've had a similar post idea floating in my head for weeks and just haven't gotten it down yet. I would love to link back to this post of yours when I finally get it done!

You are so right about being intentional!

God bless you - Holly

[Amanda Rettke]

You are more then welcome to use whatever you need Holly! Thanks for the kind words! :)

[shannon]

this is REALLY good stuff, mama! you have an awesome perspective.
and i begged, pleaded and prayed for more patience, as it has always been an area i have struggled with. then God gave me twins. He really knows what He's doing, doesn't He? ;)

[Christina]

LOVE this post, I need to read it everyday to remind myself!
I totally have the same triggers!
As I am sure most moms with multiple kids do!
Thanks for the reminder of how I need to be parenting!

[Janmary, N Ireland]

Wonderful and inspiring - I need to post this to my fridge!!!

[amy]

Wonderful words to live by!

I came across your blog from Ria's client preview blog. Lucky you get to take her class! And Bakerella is awesome! Her teddy graham cupcakes from June 2008 inspired me for my daughter's birthday.

[Lisa]

I just recently started coming to your blog and I have to say a HUGE thanks for this post! You put into words what I struggle with everyday....even funnier is #3...I pray every night for more patience! That explains the many trials I seem to be put through lately...I've printed this out to keep on my fridge to remind me everyday. Again, thank you soo much for the great words of encouragement!

[Jeni]

I came across your blog via Bridget (Bake at 350) tweeting about the cookies you made. Anyway, I ended up HERE and I SO needed to read this! I have a 3yo and a 6mo, and I struggle with...um...everything, sometimes. Your seven steps seem like a really good place for me to start - and I think I may even make my own list, and refer back to it every morning!

[Amanda Rettke]

Thanks so much Jeni!  I am glad that you were able to gain some insight from this list... I know I have referred back to it often!  And i think you writing your own is a GREAT idea and totally encourage you to and would love to read it when you are done!!!

Many blessings!

Amanda